I’ll keep my thoughts on 2009 short, as I don’t really like to dwell on the past.
I’m incredibly thankful for the fact that my family and friends are healthy and happy. This is the most important thing I can ever hope for, more so than any form of personal success.
I’m also thankful for being able to make good money this year despite the recession, and having been able to afford the things I want and need, not to mention taking a trip I so needed in order to realign my priorities and decompress.
I got out of a long distance relationship with a good man that lasted more than a year, and had to come to the harsh realization that people aren’t always who they seem, and sometimes, our ideas about a person and expectations that are borne from such ideals exceed what actually is. Timing was certainly a big factor in the consideration of our break-up but I’d have to say that my decision was based solely on his inability to stay committed. Timing issues can be conquered whereas a “lack of focus” issue will not be ignored.
On the bright side, I also got into a relationship with an incredible man who truly has a heart made of gold. Although my exhausted heart thought it couldn’t handle yet another possible disappointment, he happened into my life at the right time. I had known him for quite a while but we were never more than just friends who talked on occasion. Well, that changed, and by December, we were officially dating.
With his urgings and support, I made December mine as I got another MRI, realized the seriousness of my condition, and finally took action. I went and got a consultation for spinal decompression and am well on my way to spinal recovery. I’ve been pain-free for months now and can’t be happier about my progress, both physically and mentally. If it hadn’t been for my boyfriend, my delusions of being invincible would’ve delayed any progress to be made. Thank you. 
But aside all of the more “obvious” ways 2009 was better than 2008, I learned quite a bit about myself this year as well, more so than any of my past years as an adult combined.
I’ve learned that I have tonal issues; I sound pretentious, judgmental, and upset even when I’m actually not trying to be. I’m sure people have pointed this out in the past but it never really hit me until recently. Being in my current relationship for the short time that we have has made me realize it’s not about who is right or wrong or whether or not we have our facts straight but it’s about resolution. I’ve always been such a bitch about fairness and getting the facts settled but in the end, does it make either one of us any happier? A relationship doesn’t have to be fair all the time to make it a good one so long as we make it about the other person and their happiness. I don’t know how and when I became this person but it’s not who I am. I’m determined to change this about myself and I’m glad I have such an understanding partner to help me realize this goal.
And lastly, I feel I’ve regained a better part of me in 2009. I became a better girlfriend to my current boyfriend than I’ve been to any guy since I was 23; I’ve become a better granddaughter and daughter; and my connections with my girlfriends have been strengthened. Relationships-wise, this has been the best year up to date.
2009 was good to me. I am a lucky woman.
Christmas is one of my favorite holidays (a few others including Thanksgiving Day, New Year’s Day, and Valentine’s Day – well, for the giving/making part, not the getting part). This Christmas was one of my favorites! I can’t remember the last time I felt completely happy with how I spent the Christmas holiday.
I started very early, getting my Christmas tree in November, and starting my Christmas shopping in late October. Guess you can say I was super eager! I didn’t travel to an exotic island or go ice skating at the Rockefeller Center but it was the first time I was able to spend quality time with everyone who means so much to me.
Now on to some pictures:
I’m not very good at shopping for gifts. Well, for men, that is. I thought I was when I was younger because I would just throw a game console or a watch a boyfriend’s way and we were good to go. But with my dad … well, my dad is a whole other story. I’ve NEVER been able to get a gift right for him because he is one picky man. (In his defense, he’d always tell me NOT to get him a gift but I’d never listen.)
In high school, I bought for him:
- a tie
- a pair of shoes
- a belt
- a hankerchief
- a shaving kit replete with an electric shaver, cream, titanium razor, and travel bag
- a briefcase
… all to have them rejected because they weren’t the right size, color, texture, or style. I don’t think he ever kept one gift I’d given him. Instead, he’d return them and get something else in exchange.
As I got older, I was expected to have not only better taste but a higher $ limit. (My dad didn’t expect this, of course, but I felt the responsibility looming over my head.) I’d long surpassed those days of making minimum wage and given I was slowly nearing the triple-decade mark, I felt I needed to prove to my parents (as well as myself) that I could spend a good amount of money to buy them something worthy of attention.
So this year I decided to gift my parents -
I am sick and tired of all of this Tiger hoopla!
Senators J. Ensign and M. Sanford, Ex-Presidents J. Kennedy and W. Clinton, Athletes K. Bryant and A. Rodriguez – mere grains in a beach of immoral humans. Sparkly, expensive grains, but grains nonetheless.
For years, our media have flooded us with the news of yet another cheating, high-profile male. Many say that high-status men with a better education, higher income, and job status have busier sex lives so they’re bound to cheat. Some statistics support this assumption as well. I’m sure I can come up with a few reasons as to why high-profile men cheat so darn much but in the end, who cares?
Some may be of high-profile, but they’re definitely low-class. Simple as that.
Here are 5 Top Reasons why men have affairs:
- Varied Sex (Advice: DON’T MARRY SUCH A PRUDE!)
- Opportunity/Challenge
- Insecurity
- Seduction
- Loneliness
I believe with men, affairs aren’t always so deliberate but oftentimes borne from a marriage of tempting opportunity and dissatisfaction with their current, social disposition. Sometimes they do it to fill a void, whether emotional or well, physical. *slaps knee* They may have spontaneous, sporadic sex whenever the opportunity may arise, whether it’s a casual one-night stand, a weekend tryst, or an affair that lasts months or years.
BUT WHAT ABOUT WOMEN? When was the last time you read about a high-profile female who cheated on her beau?
The month of December always puts me in a baking mood. A few days ago I made cranberry bran muffins, then I made some raspberry dark chocolate brownies for my clients (I didn’t take a picture of any of these because I forgot), and tonight, I made pecan pie. BB likes pecan pie so I figured … why not!
The recipe is quite simple and anyone can bake this. It’s really not rocket science. (The dough for the crust I had to beat up because I don’t have a roller! I suggest making the dough yourself; those pre-made crusts are disgusting.) Because I have long nails, BB had to roll the dough up over the sides.
4 egg whites
1 whole egg
2/3 cup brown sugar (I only used half a cup)
1 cup light corn syrup
1/4 teaspoon of salt
teaspoon of vanilla extract
1 1/2 cup pecans-halves (I put in a half a cup more for that extra crunchy texture)
1 scoop of vanilla bean ice cream to put on top of the pie afterwards 
350 degrees for 20 minutes, then put foil over the pie and cook for another 20-25 min.
Going into the oven!
Fresh off of the cooling rack.
Haha look at BB’s beautiful crust. 
I skimped on the sugar a bit because well, too much sugar isn’t good for you. But because so, it wasn’t as sweet but the ice cream helped to sweeten it up a bit.
Next up? I’m thinking Lemon Meringue and Banana Cream. Stay tuned!
(Real entry coming up next. ;P)
Thursday, December 3rd, I had the honor of taking D to dinner at Sushi Gen for his 29th birthday. I had made reservations at a steak house two weeks prior to last night but he wanted to get sushi (he hadn’t had Sushi Gen in nearly a year!) so hey, whatever the birthday boy wants, right?
Enter through the gates of Heaven. (Photo taken from Yelp.com.)
We're not in this picture but we sat where those two guys are sitting. Our chef was the man who's second from the left. Not the friendliest but hey! The food was good. (Photo taken from Yelp.com.)
Luckily for us, because it was 9:00p.m. on a Thursday night, we didn’t have to wait AT all. I heard on the weekends, this place has a monster of a wait. Anyway, we were immediately seated at the bar, which means … faster food! We ordered our drinks and two bowls of clam miso soup. Mmm!
We ordered the following:
- Salmon (3 orders of 2) = 6 pieces
- Yellowtail (2 orders of 2) = 4 pieces
- Unagi (2 orders of 2) = 4 pieces
- Albacore (2 orders of 2) = 4 pieces
- Spanish Mackerel (1 order of 2) – he ordered this.
- Spicy Tuna Handroll (1 roll) – we shared this.
- Toro (2 orders of 2) = 4 pieces
This was a lot of food considering we both had nearly two pieces of each kind.
I only took a picture of the albacore and toro (as shown below) because I forgot. I was too busy enjoying the food! I loved ALL of the fish; they were SO buttery in texture. Melt in your mouth like buttah baby.
Albacore
The outstanding, THICK piece of toro (sans rice). Mind you my polaroid app on my iPhone darkens the pictures a bit.
Towards the end, I just removed the rice altogether because it was so filling. I wanted to enjoy the fish.
The total bill came out to be $93.00 for the two of us. (We didn’t order any alcohol because he doesn’t drink.) D told me the toro is three times the price of the others we had but I’m assuming it couldn’t have cost me more than $25 for 4 pieces? I think that’s fairly cheap, still, as Nobu charges $10 per piece of toro.
I don’t know the pricing for each individual fish. I left a total of $112.00 before leaving. (For those of you who want to try out Sushi Gen, keep a note of the price.)
I give it 5 stars. I would definitely go back!
Afterwards, because we finished so early (in 30 minutes!), we went to a Korean Cafe called Yellow House. I frequent this cafe as it is very quaint/cute and their drink menu is pretty awesome. He had hot milk tea and I had the adlay tea. Luckily, we sat near a fire pit and they provided blankets for us (it was so cold last night!!). There, he popped the question. No, not THAT question but you know, a question. We chatted a good while then went back to my house where I showed him some baby pictures. (Haha now you know I got my round forehead from my dad!)
Happy 29th birthday! Hope you enjoyed my little surprise at your place the night prior and dinner the day of. Next year is the big 3-0!!!
Next two entries to come:
1) Bad Decisions
2) Women Cheat, too. √
(Not necessarily in this order.)
I never considered myself the marrying kind. Sure when I was a young girl I saw myself marrying at the age of 25. However, as my ambitions grew to prodigious proportions, I realized I just couldn’t imagine juggling wifely duties with, well, my life. And given my family has always been supportive of my choice to give the middle-finger salute to Father Time, I never felt the need to fret and run around desperately looking for a husband.
Since hitting my quarter-century mark, (3 1/2 years ago) I started thinking about holding down a serious relationship. I’ve dated three men since and have met their families and yes, there were talks of marriage (however one-sided most of the time). Now given I don’t just introduce any man to my parents, I had to bide my time and make sure they were “worthy”. In the end, except for one who met my father by chance, none met them by [my] choice. One was very close but in the end, it came down to lack of dedication. I felt like I did what I had to do in letting him go for his sake, but there wasn’t any fight in him to keep me in his life anyway.
Let me take you back to when this need for dedication first developed.
Back when I was 19, I got into a relationship with a boy who I wanted to be the BEST girlfriend for. And for four years, I was the best, most dedicated girlfriend ever. (He was also the first and last guy I introduced to my parents.) However, with several acts of indiscretion on his end and my faltering trust in his character, boy did that idealistic bubble pop. After that, I don’t remember ever being the girlfriend I should be, to anyone.
I guess a part of me felt I couldn’t be THAT vulnerable again, not just yet, until a guy showed me I could trust him. Sure I trusted them and I wasn’t jaded by any means but I didn’t give ALL of myself either. After that relationship ended, I went on dates but didn’t really DATE until my quarter-century mark. With these three men, I always knew I could be a far better girlfriend than I was at the time but I guess I didn’t try as hard because I needed something more. By no fault of their own, I’d somehow convinced myself that these men needed to prove their sincerity to me. I needed to see dedication.
Long distance, bad timing, cheating … these factors played a role in why the last three relationships didn’t work. I feel the chemistry might have been there but truth be told, I get along with just about anyone. Maybe I was asking for too much and I may have made rash decisions in letting them go but it’s easy for me to walk away from someone who’s clearly walked away from me (even though they didn’t walk away physically, their attitudes alone spoke volumes). Dedication begets dedication and so without it in our horizon, it was easy for me to walk away.
I know I have a lot to offer and have high standards for myself so equally, I’d expect to be with someone who has as much to bring to the table. Intelligence? Looks? Humor? Family values? Seriously, dime a dozen. But a man who’ll weather the storm with me, someone who I know will fight the good fight in order to sustain our relationship? That kind of dedication is what it takes to keep me.
I just finished watching Pretty Woman again for the second time ever. I remember the first time I watched this movie, I was a hopelessly idealistic girl of 16 years who couldn’t wait until she turned a few years older so she could be found by the man of her dreams.
Fast forward 12 years and I found myself tearing up when Richard Gere’s character shows up at her hotel apartment in a similar yet modernized fashion she describes her dream man to show up. Now, I didn’t tear up because the story is so moving or because of the realization of beauty found in the hope this movie embeds in all women looking to be swept off of their feet by their millionaire dream man; I don’t find the characters to be anything more than two-dimensional escapists, the storyline itself is completely unrealistic, and the tone is devoid of any kind of sincerity or depth.
I teared up because regardless of how superficial the theme seems, that last scene when Edward decides to forgo his jaded-commitmentphobe-bachelor ways to rescue her, that moment is so real to me. Because whether or not this fairytale ending ever happens in actuality, this sentiment – this passion he feels towards her that overrides all doubt, his issues with commitment, and their situational differences – was borne from the beating, pulsing inner-workings of one who truly believes in the magic of a fairytale romance.
The mere existence of these fairytale moments — however fleeting or rare – represents chance, something we, in our later stages of life, forget or refuse to grant ourselves. Because it’s safer to resort to comfortableness. To settle for what’s right and practical rather than to risk for something ideal. Or because we no longer have any reason left in us to believe.
I’ve always wanted a man who’d not just be my checklist-perfect individual (which I’ve long discarded) but someone who’d give me this reason to believe – someone who’d help me realize there’s fight in me to achieve this fairytale romance, something I had lost in my teens. Having been so painfully realistic and practical for all of my adult years thus far, I’m incredibly grateful to God for making me realize this individual who is capable of bringing out this fight in me is currently in my life.
Sure I wasn’t found by a knight with a white horse but I feel swept off of my feet just the same.
Today, I went into El Pollo Loco to get two pieces of chicken to stave off my 6 o’clock hunger pain. I was greeted by Ralph, a 20-something year old Hispanic male who was born with a bilateral complete cleft lip. Now a cleft lip is a congenital deformity that occurs due to abnormal facial development during gestation. His bilateral complete cleft lip looks something like this:
In Ralph’s case, although the fissure is no longer there, it’s quite noticeable as he still has a lot of scarring.
As an aside: Having worked in the NICU setting, I’ve seen numerous babies (premies) with this deformity; I even fell in love with a cute little baby boy who I got to spend some time with while he was recuperating in the incubator. Having a cleft lip and palate is not something to be looked at with disgust or wonder — actually, no deformity should be looked at with such. I remember staring at that baby’s face, cooing and cawing because he was so beautiful. A cleft lip doesn’t make a person ugly; the viewer whose thoughts are ugly makes that person look ugly in their own mind. God’s creations, in all of their glory – with deformities and flaws – are beautiful.
Anyway, I bring this up because when I walked in to El Pollo Loco, this man, Ralph, greeted me with the warmest smile I had seen in days. He held his head high and smiled confidently; this smile and his energy were so contagious, I couldn’t help but smile back! After I ordered and he got my name, he asked me if I had seen 2012. When I answered no, he told me to go watch it because it was so good and then he went on about how his boyfriend was so paranoid about the world ending afterwards. I couldn’t help but laugh and tease him for being sucked into this trap and he told me that regardless of the trappings, I must watch it and prepare!!! Because … well, you just never know.
When it was my turn to pick up the food, he yelled out my name in a sing-songy manner, whereas with the other customers, he yelled out their numbers. That was nice. I spoke with him some more, we exchanged farewell pleasantries, and I left, waving goodbye.
After having this exchange with Ralph, I couldn’t help but reflect a little bit. I’m sure many people will feel more inclined to look away for fear of not wanting to stare and make Ralph feel bad, or interact with him in a formal, straight way. I was not friendly with Ralph because I felt sorry for him; I was friendly with him because his personality was luminous. For someone who, I’m sure, had to face many stares and jokes growing up, he was more positive in those few minutes with me than I bet a lot of people are in their lifetime.
People like Ralph inspire me. They aren’t ashamed of their flaws but accept them, and move forward in life with a positive energy in tow. So the next time you are feeling downtrodden for something you know you can overcome with some time and effort, think about those brave individuals out there who have issues they may not be able to resolve, ever. Instead of focusing on your problem(s), focus on your attitude. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think there’s really anything we can’t handle.
Thanks Ralph. I hope I made your day, just as you’ve made mine.
Recently, I’ve found that many I know have stepped into the field of medicine, with high hopes of making good money and finding stability during this economic recession. I felt I had to re-post this entry I wrote on my old Xanga site a while back to remind these individuals that although money and great benefits are wonderful, we can’t forget it’s an honor to care for those in need, not a right we exercise by getting the licensure needed.
***
Providing healthcare and advocacy to patients is not a right one waves just because he/she has the education and licensure to do so. It’s a privilege. So the money and benefits are good. The prestige makes you feel assured of your intelligence and accomplishments. The power you yield in possibly saving one’s life or bringing a life into this world makes you feel like God. But what good are all of these if you don’t have Compassion?
The healthcare industry should have some kind of a cut-off point where their employees have to show they’re not robots who spew out medical-drivel they’ve been programmed to, always knowing when or how to save, how to treat, how to be God — but simply, when or how to be an ear, a shoulder, a comforting hand or an acknowledging look. It’s important to cultivate rapport with the patients you have as well as to provide them with the best possible care you and the hospital can afford.
As my loved ones continue to frequent hospitals for tests on top of tests on top of tests, I can’t help but wonder if they’re truly receiving proper treatment from the hospital employees. Being at the other end of the hospital door, I see how the individuals I work with treat our patients and it’s definitely not satisfactory. Names aren’t asked but read on wrist tags. Intensity of pain is often overlooked due to suspicion of addiction to narcotics. Doctors and Nurses butt heads because their assessment of the care the patient may deserve and need aren’t aligned. Now, this isn’t to say one group is right over another; however, it’s safe to provide that self-righteousness and pride in the workplace lead to an unraveling of professional solidarity.
Think about your loved ones. If you do not know anyone who is currently being treated at a hospital, just imagine having them there. Imagine them being treated by caregivers who are callous and indifferent to the sufferings he or she is facing. Imagine the caregivers impatience, agitation and laziness towards providing care for your loved one. There’s no one to talk to, no one to hear them, no one to empathize and tell them everything will be okay. Or, imagine you had to go into the hospital. Sure your family members are there to provide you with emotional support and hope but what about the times they cannot be there? You push the call light only to have your assigned nurse come in to converse with you in a terse, agitated manner. You want someone to listen to what you’re going through, to tell you that you’ll get well soon and that you’ll be able to frequent lovely Korean clubbing establishments to pimp it like you used to. But your nurse is too busy looking through the Victoria’s Secret catalogs to see what she could wear on her next date with Doctor McGropey. The Doctors and Residents make sweeps through your room and they’re in and out in seconds. So you lay there, in that cold and somber room, with interactions as impersonal as some of the dates I’ve gone on in the past year or two.
For these patients, especially those who may need long-term care, the minute hand may drag along to its last point without the possibility for a return. Gluttonous death may soon start to take sanctuary in between every bone, in the joints, in between their atrophying musculature; it may start to pump it’s poison through their veins, recycling through their already worn heart; every ragged expiration and inspiration of breath may soon be saturated with its insidious intent. Whether or not this is observably true or just in their mind, it’s important they’re cared for so that these thoughts do not invade their space to begin with.
Incase you don’t know, in the hospital, time hangs. It weaves in and out of consciousness much like our patients and languidly drifts from times of wake and sleep. If you’re a patient who is living with dying, these last few weeks, months or years at the hospital, being kept alive by machines and tubes, can be dreadful. Who can make their experience as a patient a bit more uplifting? We can. Yes, Doctors and Nurses, I’m talking to you. When treating those who are ill, it’s not only important to treat them with devices, gadgets and the latest and greatest medication, but also with great, palliative care, in an emotional sense.
We need to understand the basis of human care, not just in the hospital but everywhere. If this consideration is not given, how can we expect it in return? I feel that with the uprising of the cost of living (having to hustle to keep our standard of living above water), coupled with intrinsic human motivation and ambition, somewhere along that line we’ve lost sight of how to co-exist. We co-exist to help one another, not hurt. To love one another, not hate. To bring each other up, not push each other down. To lend a helping hand, not rob each other. We were all dealt the same hand: the minute we started living was the minute we started to die. Having the same, inescapable end result, why can’t we just spend that time together helping each other grow to the best of our abilities?
I know when I step foot into that hospital, there’s no way I’m leaving without promoting education and longevity of health, ensuring the emergence of hope on the patient’s end (as well as my own), cultivating and cultivating so that we can all reap the benefits of our burgeoning relationship as well as providing them with medical care. I’m here to make sure that the standard of living for all of my fathers, my grandfathers, my mothers, my grandmothers, siblings and friends laying on those hospital beds, are at their peak . . . because I don’t believe they deserve anything less than that.
Cheating. Seems so easy nowadays to get away with it. With the advent of the worldwide web, we can have multiple interests at one time, fueled by clicking through provocative pictures, late night chats, and an exchange of flirty messages via email. It’s disheartening to think that at any given point, any one of us can be replaced with someone far more interesting, far more hot, and far more intelligent — or at least that’s what they seem like on their Facebook profile. Even the shy ones can scour the net for hotties with bodies and spark up a conversation … with a simple emoticon at that. The web has become a veritable playground for roving eyes and hearts, and so we ease in to a world where substitutes are readily available and our hearts become a shared space.
I write a lot of ambiguous entries that neither tell my story or feelings relating to my personal life. Well, hardly. A lot of what I feel about certain issues are hidden behind preachy wordplay and fictitious cryptograms. I never openly disclose my relationship status nor do I write anything too personal about my life, as I feel those who’d really like to know should extend the courtesy of asking, rather than trying to analyze it from the little that is written, in ambiguous form at that, then passing judgment as quickly as these words are read. Whew, what a run-on sentence!
With that said, this entry will not attempt to mend a heart, lecture an already informed mind, or find a sacrificed soul. (Applause.) This entry will be about my new stance and outlook on relationships, on a personal scale — nothing grander.
I’m sure all of you have read this before:
Find a guy who calls you “beautiful” instead of “hot/cute.” Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who puts you in his arms and sings for you. Who lies under the stars with you and listens to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the boy who pursues you, who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who is not afraid to show his feelings and holds your hand in front of his friends. The one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you. The one who praises you & admires your talent time to time. The one who sees no other gals in his eye but you. The one who dreams to have a future with you. The one who turns to his friends and says… “That’s her.”
Very sweet gestures, really. But I’d like to make a few (okay, many) amendments to that. I want:
Considering I used to write on a very public blog and many times for paid, “more literary” types of assignments, I’d often forget the blogger in me. I’d always feel the “writer” in me had to be switched on, and the normal, silly-ol’ me switched off. Well not anymore! Quelle surprise if you see more of “me” shining through in entries to come.
I’ve dated quite a few Takers. I think I attract jerks, and for a very long time, I was unknowingly attracted to jerks as well. I’d always tell my girlfriends, “I want a nice guy!”, then somehow end up with a guy who, despite my denials, ended up being a jerk anyway.
First step in making a difference in our lives, or our world, is to give a damn.
I was once attuned to the strife of others on a global scale but that passion had evanesced once I reached my early 20’s. More time was spent worrying about getting good grades, over which nightclub to frequent, which boy to victimize, and how to accomplish my, more immediate, goals. Everything happening outside of my bubble didn’t interest me, as I had enough on my plate (or so it seemed) to worry about anyone else’s plate. I was young, naive, and trapped in my own headspace.
Can YOU tell what a person is like based on their kitchen items?
I know I’ve shown you guys a picture of my kitchen but that was when I’d just moved in. Here are some pictures of what I’ve been stocking it up with.
- Counter-top
Clockwise: Blue lunch bag, honey nut cheerios in ziploc (I snack on it), chocolate lean shake from GNC, cloves of garlic, pumpkin loaf and cranberry-apple bran muffin from Trader Joes, whole wheat pita bread, 7-grain wheat bread, a LOT of vitamins (B-complex, tonalin CLA, multi-vitamin, MSM, Niacin, Zinc, Iron, etc.), and oatmeal packets.
Had a craving for french toast at Griddle Cafe but it was packed (10 a.m.), so started Saturday off with brunch at Joey’s Cafe in West Hollywood with überNerd:
Crab Benedict w/ Rosemary Potatoes - $12.95
I love my father and I know he would give up his life for me but he wasn’t really the most accepting or appreciative parent one could have. Sure he always tries to understand my position and opens his heart and mind to me but I never felt (and still don’t feel) I’m good enough for him. Never did he give me affirmations but he would be so quick to think up “improvements” I’d need to make. If I got an A on a test or report card, he’d never tell me I did a great job but remind me to get the same results next time. Having to grow up competing against my own shadow, one which had been conjured by my father’s hopes and ideals, left me feeling alone during my most formative years.
My grandparents came to live with us in America when I was nine. My grandmother soon took on the role of always defending and accepting me for me, no matter how much I’d stray from her perfect ideal of what a grand-daughter should be. I was a defensive, smart-mouthed, sensitive child but in her eyes, I was a child to be loved, comforted, appreciated, and accepted for who I am. And so I was.
She had so tightly secured this role in my life for so long that I felt incredibly lost after her passing early last year. Sure we all need to find this sense of security within ourselves but the acceptance and unconditional love of another provides for a sturdy pillar to rest our self-security on. Who wouldn’t want that? Who doesn’t need that?
I don’t know when or if ever I’ll feel the way she used to make me feel from another… comforted, accepted, and appreciated but I feel at this time, I couldn’t be on a lonelier path.
After years of dating men who have a propensity to cheat, lie, and be manipulative in more ways than five, accumulated experiences with these men had severely eroded my idealistic stance on relationships. Or … so I thought.
I have the tendency to overanalyze things. I push my thoughts and boundaries to the limit, and oftentimes, I push others just to stir the water. “I am that gadfly which God has attached to the state, and all day long and in all places am always fastening upon you, arousing and persuading and reproaching you.” – Socrates. I test, I query, I prod, and I engage. I never have a problem questioning your logic or asking you to make a better point. I try not to come off as such a blunt asshole but sure enough, if I walk and talk like one…
I love to voice my thoughts but the most important aspects will always remain unspoken. I don’t think just because you have an opinion, everyone needs to hear it all the time. I don’t talk for the sake of talking, nor do I like to hear the sound of my own voice, but you’ll probably think otherwise. I make short stories long, and I wouldn’t be able to give you an abbreviated version of anything unless my life depended on it. I’m unusually verbose, and although I try not to come off as such a pretentious word-nazi using jargon you mainly come across in antiquated pieces of literature, I come out of every conversation sounding like one anyway.
I’m not a girly girl by any means but I’ve long shed my overalls and baseball caps. I’ve learned to like pink, stopped burning my bras, and have come to terms with my emotional side, without compromising my rational side. I’m unforgivably independent but I cannot deny the part of me that would like to lean on someone every now and then. I don’t care for flowers but I like having the door opened for me. I don’t expect trips to the moon but thoughtful gestures you find to be consistent with who you are will get me every time. I may not ask for much but it doesn’t mean I don’t think I deserve more. It’s really just to make your life easier because I’ll probably drive you crazy in other ways (see first paragraph).
Pride takes a trunkseat to the backseat of love, but ultimately, fairness/principle takes the driver’s seat. A relationship based purely on love, cotton candy, and puppy dogs isn’t a realistic one; each should be ruled with an ironclad fist, dictating fairness/principle. Isn’t that why we set certain boundaries to begin with?
Contrary to my own belief, my idealism, despite years of abuse, had never died; it’s just waiting to make an appearance for someone who’ll help make it shine.
In nursing school, we learned quite a bit about Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her concept of the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We were taught to understand these stages so we can help the family of patients cope with their loved ones passing on.
I think these same five stages can be applied to the break-up process as well, specifically if you’ve been the one who was let go. At first you are in denial that you’ve been let go or in denial of the fact that the relationship has actually ended. Then you turn to anger as you lash out with verbal ammo that had been stored up for who knows how long. With nothing to lose, you start firing without aim or purpose. Afterwards, you may start bargaining, saying you’ll be better next time around if only the other will give you one more chance. Once rejected, you’ll start to feel depressed because the relationship is now completely over and there’s no hope of going back to that time of absolute bliss. In the end, you finally accept this fact, and move on with hope for a better future.
Simple enough, right? Grief is grief … whether you’re having to part with a loved one in passing, or living.
I bring this up because it seems a lot of my friends are suffering through break-ups right now; some have been let go while others have made the bold decision to leave a bad relationship once and for all. For those of you who were let go (AHEM D.J.), please don’t fret and dwell over this occurrence. Who cares if your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend messages you saying they miss you or how they’ll always remember you and love you. They broke up with you. For every day they are missing you, it’s another day they are consciously CHOOSING not to be in your life. I truly believe that if two people really want to be together, they will find a way to stay. Any reason not to be together is just an excuse to move on because the feelings are no longer there, or their resolve isn’t as strong. (Yes, I’m very aware there are exceptions to this. I’m not always so black or white. )
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Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m super excited to host it at my place this year. I will be making a lot of traditional Korean foods and inviting my family over for dinner. I think I will be incorporating an American-style of cooking as well by preparing a turkey (not a whole one) along with some pumpkin tarts for dessert.
I’m also looking forward to Christmas! I’m going to be shopping for a small tree sometime next weekend and will start decorating my place to make it look like a magical castle. I can’t wait to start looking for special cards and gifts for my loved ones. I’ve already started to make a list! Many things to look forward to to cap this year off.
Be strong, all. I know that this can also feel like the loneliest part of the year especially if you don’t have a significant other but remain positive. This, too, shall pass. Before you know it, you will be in the arms of an even better-suited beau or inamorata!
Ciao.
So I received my MacBook on Tuesday and have been having a blast playing with it ever since. I love this laptop! Other than getting my work done and catching up on a few things, I did get to play with the Photo Booth, which is the webcam + effects feature. I love the mirror-effect (shown below) because well, I’m a little creepy sometimes (hm, just a little?) and I like seeing myself distorted in odd ways. Call me strange, Strange Kim.
Frontal.
Disheartenment is finding out someone you had trusted to always do the right thing wasn’t very honorable in the end. Changes your perspective on many things; you question their word up until this point, their intention, and whether you know how to pick the right people to get involved with. Hearing it directly is always great instead of finding out from a second or third-degree source.
It’s not easy trusting people nowadays. Genuinely good people are hard to come by.
