Ex-Stalking

Why do people do it?

If you break up with a person on amicable terms and decide to remain friends, awesome. But if you break up and you know you’ll go back to being strangers once again, why stalk? When the two of you decided it wasn’t worth keeping the other as a friend, you relinquished any rights to know what is going on with that person. I mean, sure you can say that the time apart made you curious as to how he/she is doing but you can’t do that in the open? Pick up a phone perhaps? Send a quick, little email to ask, “What’s going on with you”? Are you ashamed to show the other person you care? Pride shouldn’t be an issue when it concerns someone you once cared about.

I don’t believe in ex-stalking. If I want to know how an ex is doing, I’ll contact him. Otherwise, it’s safe to say I don’t care to know or don’t see the point. If I suddenly become very curious as to how he is doing, I’ll pick up the phone and call or send a message via internet. There aren’t any reasons (well, atleast for me) to stalk his Facebook, blog, AIM, etc., hoping to find something I can find out by picking up the phone. By phone, I can possibly get more info!

A couple of days ago, a friend of mine who reads my blog asked if I’ve heard from my (most recent) ex-boyfriend. She then said, “Well, you’ve been writing all of these nice entries about your current boyfriend and negative things about your past relationships. Just thought maybe he’d respond to it in some way.”

Now why would he do that?

Maybe she and I operate very differently or I just assume everyone is like me because I believe my exes have forgotten about me as I’ve forgotten about them. I mean come on – it’s hard enough to keep up with your life let alone try to figure out how an ex is doing. I don’t assume my exes stalk me nor would I expect them to. I figure they’ll reach out if they want to know and they haven’t so what does that tell me? Strangers once again.

This blog is for me. I write how I feel, when I feel these emotions. I’m not a passive-aggressive person who writes something to get a rise out of anyone; if anything, I keep more of it in – out of respect. No matter how bitter I’d felt over a relationship, I usually keep that information to myself so I don’t have to speak ill of any particular one of them out in the open. My mistake if some of my entries make it seem like my exes are BAD people because they’re not; they were just bad for me. And some others? I’ll say it like it is that I don’t respect some others. Don’t you kids know by now that I’m extremely blunt?

Let’s leave our past in the past and focus more on our present. Show some dignity and reach out if you’re curious. Otherwise, let bygones be bygones. That’s what I’ve been doing and will continue to do.

Women Cheat, too.

I am sick and tired of all of this Tiger hoopla!

Senators J. Ensign and M. Sanford, Ex-Presidents J. Kennedy and W. Clinton, Athletes K. Bryant and A. Rodriguez – mere grains in a beach of immoral humans. Sparkly, expensive grains, but grains nonetheless.

For years, our media have flooded us with the news of yet another cheating, high-profile male. Many say that high-status men with a better education, higher income, and job status have busier sex lives so they’re bound to cheat. Some statistics support this assumption as well. I’m sure I can come up with a few reasons as to why high-profile men cheat so darn much but in the end, who cares?

Some may be of high-profile, but they’re definitely low-class. Simple as that.

Here are 5 Top Reasons why men have affairs:

1. Varied Sex (Advice: DON’T MARRY SUCH A PRUDE!)
2. Opportunity/Challenge
3. Insecurity
4. Seduction
5. Loneliness

I believe with men, affairs aren’t always so deliberate but oftentimes borne from a marriage of tempting opportunity and dissatisfaction with their current, social disposition. Sometimes they do it to fill a void, whether emotional or well, physical. *slaps knee* They may have spontaneous, sporadic sex whenever the opportunity may arise, whether it’s a casual one-night stand, a weekend tryst, or an affair that lasts months or years.

BUT WHAT ABOUT WOMEN?  When was the last time you read about a high-profile female who cheated on her beau?

What it takes.

I never considered myself the marrying kind. Sure when I was a young girl I saw myself marrying at the age of 25. However, as my ambitions grew to prodigious proportions, I realized I just couldn’t imagine juggling wifely duties with, well, my life. And given my family has always been supportive of my choice to give the middle-finger salute to Father Time, I never felt the need to fret and run around desperately looking for a husband.

Since hitting my quarter-century mark, (3 1/2 years ago) I started thinking about holding down a serious relationship. I’ve dated three men since and have met their families and yes, there were talks of marriage (however one-sided most of the time). Now given I don’t just introduce any man to my parents, I had to bide my time and make sure they were “worthy”. In the end, except for one who met my father by chance, none met them by [my] choice. One was very close but in the end, it came down to lack of dedication. I felt like I did what I had to do in letting him go for his sake, but there wasn’t any fight in him to keep me in his life anyway.

Let me take you back to when this need for dedication first developed.

Back when I was 19, I got into a relationship with a boy who I wanted to be the BEST girlfriend for. And for four years, I was the best, most dedicated girlfriend ever. (He was also the first and last guy I introduced to my parents.) However, with several acts of indiscretion on his end and my faltering trust in his character, boy did that idealistic bubble pop. After that, I don’t remember ever being the girlfriend I should be, to anyone.

I guess a part of me felt I couldn’t be THAT vulnerable again, not just yet, until a guy showed me I could trust him. Sure I trusted them and I wasn’t jaded by any means but I didn’t give ALL of myself either. After that relationship ended, I went on dates but didn’t really DATE until my quarter-century mark. With these three men, I always knew I could be a far better girlfriend than I was at the time but I guess I didn’t try as hard because I needed something more. By no fault of their own, I’d somehow convinced myself that these men needed to prove their sincerity to me. I needed to see dedication.

Long distance, bad timing, cheating … these factors played a role in why the last three relationships didn’t work. I feel the chemistry might have been there but truth be told, I get along with just about anyone. Maybe I was asking for too much and I may have made rash decisions in letting them go but it’s easy for me to walk away from someone who’s clearly walked away from me (even though they didn’t walk away physically, their attitudes alone spoke volumes). Dedication begets dedication and so without it in our horizon, it was easy for me to walk away.

I know I have a lot to offer and have high standards for myself so equally, I’d expect to be with someone who has as much to bring to the table. Intelligence? Looks? Humor? Family values? Seriously, dime a dozen. But a man who’ll weather the storm with me, someone who I know will fight the good fight in order to sustain our relationship? That kind of dedication is what it takes to keep me.

Five Stages of Grief

In nursing school, we learned quite a bit about Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and her concept of the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We were taught to understand these stages so we can help the family of patients cope with their loved ones passing on.

I think these same five stages can be applied to the break-up process as well, specifically if you’ve been the one who was let go. At first you are in denial that you’ve been let go or in denial of the fact that the relationship has actually ended. Then you turn to anger as you lash out with verbal ammo that had been stored up for who knows how long. With nothing to lose, you start firing without aim or purpose. Afterwards, you may start bargaining, saying you’ll be better next time around if only the other will give you one more chance. Once rejected, you’ll start to feel depressed because the relationship is now completely over and there’s no hope of going back to that time of absolute bliss. In the end, you finally accept this fact, and move on with hope for a better future.

Simple enough, right? Grief is grief … whether you’re having to part with a loved one in passing, or living.

I bring this up because it seems a lot of my friends are suffering through break-ups right now; some have been let go while others have made the bold decision to leave a bad relationship once and for all. For those of you who were let go (AHEM D.J.), please don’t fret and dwell over this occurrence. Who cares if your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend messages you saying they miss you or how they’ll always remember you and love you. They broke up with you. For every day they are missing you, it’s another day they are consciously CHOOSING not to be in your life. I truly believe that if two people really want to be together, they will find a way to stay. Any reason not to be together is just an excuse to move on because the feelings are no longer there, or their resolve isn’t as strong. (Yes, I’m very aware there are exceptions to this. I’m not always so black or white. )

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Thanksgiving is coming up and I’m super excited to host it at my place this year. I will be making a lot of traditional Korean foods and inviting my family over for dinner. I think I will be incorporating an American-style of cooking as well by preparing a turkey (not a whole one) along with some pumpkin tarts for dessert.

I’m also looking forward to Christmas! I’m going to be shopping for a small tree sometime next weekend and will start decorating my place to make it look like a magical castle. I can’t wait to start looking for special cards and gifts for my loved ones. I’ve already started to make a list! Many things to look forward to to cap this year off.

Be strong, all. I know that this can also feel like the loneliest part of the year especially if you don’t have a significant other but remain positive. This, too, shall pass. Before you know it, you will be in the arms of an even better-suited beau or inamorata!

Ciao.

Idealism

After years of dating men who have a propensity to cheat, lie, and be manipulative in more ways than five, accumulated experiences with these men had severely eroded my idealistic stance on relationships. Or … so I thought.

Givers and Takers

Considering I used to write on a very public blog and many times for paid, “more literary” types of assignments, I’d often forget the blogger in me.  I’d always feel the “writer” in me had to be switched on, and the normal, silly-ol’ me switched off.  Well not anymore!  Quelle surprise if you see more of “me” shining through in entries to come.

I’ve dated quite a few Takers.  I think I attract jerks, and for a very long time, I was unknowingly attracted to jerks as well.  I’d always tell my girlfriends, “I want a nice guy!”, then somehow end up with a guy who, despite my denials, ended up being a jerk anyway.

Let Go

She lowers the window, allowing the cool air to spill in until it completely floods her senses and engulfs her whole. The wind glides so smoothly between her fingers, a touch that feels so familiar, like sifting through the ocean sand… no… like running her fingers inbetween his. She recalls how perfect that was, the way his fingers searched for hers, the way her fingers glided along the length of his until their palms met and their fingers intertwined.

The wind gently grazes her fingers and lingers at the small of her wrist, playing with the delicate silver strand that he once gave to her as a sign of his affection. The strand of silver dances wildly on her arm as if it was ready to liberate itself and fly into the wind, long into the darkness of the night. She begins to tilt her hand toward the ground, giving herself the ‘okay’ to let it go — or is it to see just how close she can get to losing it, before truly losing it forever? The latter was something familiar to her but something she never understood: how could someone hold something so cherished by the thinnest thread just to see how loosely it can be held before it gets caught in the wind and flutters into the past? It’s a gamble against natural forces… a taunt in the face of your blessings… all acts she never quite understood.

Yet here she is feeling the strand lift from her wrist and dance along her fingers. She tips her hand down farther as if conducting the silence just before a crescendo during a grand symphony opus. Without a second thought, she clasps together her thumb and index finger and pinch the strand of silver in between before it drops. And once again, something once cherished now hangs on by the slightest thread.

The wind tugs at the glimmering strand dangling at her fingertips. As gracefully as her fingers know how, she opens her grasp, letting the wind covet the prize so relentlessly sought after. Her bare wrist, now numbed by the wind, is a testament to the revelation that she too can be the one who lets go — rather than simply being the one who was let go.

And just like the silver strand, my heart, too, flutters into the wind with hopes of finding solace elsewhere: a place where no traces of our once hungry love can be found; a place where your words can’t leave bite marks; a place without taunting memories and plans for the future, now just fruitless dreams, unhad; a place without the hurt, the tears, the frustration; a place, without you.

The heart which sheltered you and bathed you with love no longer beats for you the way that it had before, for it has been shattered. Let the remnants of my broken heart mark a trail to lead you safely back home — for there isn’t a place for you here anymore.

그래… 여기까지구나.

참 신기한게, 그러고 나니깐 마음이 싹 비워졌어요… 쓸물이 빠져 나가는 듯이.

그와 내가 비껴가는 그 순간이 손에 잡힐듯이 느껴 지면서 아주 오랫동안 고민해왔던 수학문제가 풀린 것 처럼, 개운 해졌어요.

난 후회없이 할만큼은 해봤으니까 아프지는 않더라구요.

Behind the Glass

She is soundless, muted by a ceaseless bombardment of discordant voices, grating instructions, dismissible details, and the frenzy of life around her. Her silent screams implore you, “Do not come near me,” her liquid eyes warning impassively, sharply. Behind the glass you stand, hoping for the right time to come in, unaware that that time may never come.  Life and love are so unpredictable, afterall.

Tears run in rivulets, falling off the cliff of her cheekbones. Her eyes are glass marbles tinged with pink, bounded by heavy paint strokes of blackest matte kohl that emphasize their unnatural shine. Her mouth, parted, you see the frosty condensation of her breath beading on the mask.  But, what you can’t see, behind the glass, are the torn wisps of her soul being exiled into the brittle air.

She once loved you,
helplessly,
wholly,
undoubtedly.

And all she ever wanted in return … was a mere fragment of the love she gave.  For you to be near, close to her, for warmth, protection, and some semblance of love.

In the end, it wasn’t her choice to keep you behind the glass pane.

It was your own.